


"Amaranthine"

by Lylakoi



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 01:26:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17930147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lylakoi/pseuds/Lylakoi
Summary: That one Warden who saved Thedas but lost Alistair to the Archdemon meets in the wastelands of Anderfels that one Warden who changed Thedas but lost Hawke to the Nightmare.





	"Amaranthine"

**Author's Note:**

> Just a thought. And a song that seemed to fit. "Amaranthine" by Crowbar. Also, English is not my native language, so please feel free to tell me about any mistakes I've made.

**"Promise me you'll be there when I die.**

**Give me peace, before I close my eyes.**

**Cleansing a forgotten soul.**

**Comfort from the bitter cold."**

 

The dog. That mabari was the sole reason of him still living. Not simply because he helped with the thugs on the way, Hawke's dog was her only possession that Anders had left with. This old, drooling, smelly beast was his most cherished friend now. So much for the "cat person", huh? Life sure is full of irony.

The amaranth sun was setting behind the heels of the Southern Anderfels, leaving the small village behind. He didn't even remember much why he was going to Weisshaupt, cause it was Hawke’s idea. She should be here. She should lead the way, pat the dog, and make his day just by being there. _She should be here._ But she's gone. Forever this time and it still felt so surreal. After all the things she accomplished, after all the things they went through, to lose her that way was just unfair.

Hawke is gone, leaving Anders alone. Now it's only him, her dog and the windy wastelands of Anderfels. The landscape was oddly fitting. This vast lifeless emptiness. He didn’t grieved, he wasn't even sad anymore, he just existed. It was like as if he was made tranquil. No emotions, no feelings, just small mundane tasks: reach next village, blend in, find a place to spend the night, feed the dog, move forward.

Suddenly the Dog became alert, turned back and started growling.

“Keep your filthy beast at bay, blighted bastard! Give your coins and we might spare you!” The group of armed thugs was slowly approaching. Anders was very apathetic about it. The rationale in his head was that the village was still in sight, and if he uses magic, it might attract attention. In a country full of devoted priests and strong Chantry influence it could cause some serious problems. Bounty on his head over Kirkwall’s Chantry explosion didn’t help either.

“Easy, boy.” He hushed the Dog.

“Smart choice.” One of the bandits smirked, and throwed a knife at him.

The knife bounced off. Arcane shield was now visibly glowing around Anders and the Dog. The shield that he didn’t use. Anders looked at his hands surprisingly. What just happened?

“What the… You’re an apostate! Get him boys!” Before they charged in, a figure showed behind the victims’ duo.

“I suggest you rethink that move.” Firm yet calm voice from a figure made Anders skip a heartbeat.

“That can’t be…” He whispered and turned around now completely dazed.

“Oi, Blaze, that’s a Grey Warden armor… “ One of the thugs suddenly was backing off.

“Good observation. Now leave before I fry you all to ashes.” The electric lights went from her fingers up to the shoulders, hugging entire body in tiny lightnings.

“Screw it, I wanna live!” The youngest from the bandits ran off and shortly after was followed by the entire gang.

Anders couldn’t move. He barely even breathed. What he saw, or rather who he saw should not be possible. Warden-Commander of Ferelden, Arlessa of the Amaranthine, Champion of Redcliffe - Neria Surana. He stood in disbelief. It was really her. Tired and composed, with those understanding and sad eyes. It was really her. His last living friend from the childhood in the Circle. His last best friend that always stood up for him even if it meant killing templars. His first friend that gave him gifts just for the sake of it. His first friend that showed him that he can walk freely as a mage, using his powers and not being labelled as an apostate or maleficar. The person who made him a hero among the people of Amaranthine and then never tried to pursue him to return after he left. She knew him and she cared but that was a lifetime ago, when life was much easier, brighter and full of opportunities. When everything was still possible. But now, he was alone, with only Hawke's dog beside him and a generous bounty on his head.

Sun vanished behind the hills, and only now Anders noticed how the thugs were long gone, and how tears were streaming down his face.

“W-warden-Commander, I... “, he started wiping out the salty water trails from his face.

“I know, Anders, Leliana's agents told me.” Surana replied softly. “And I'm very sorry.” She came up to him and gave him the strongest hug he had since Hawke left for the Inquisition.

And he lost it.

He cried in her arms in a way the person does when his world is shattered completely. When there's nothing or nobody left living for. When the most important person that kept him going through the darkest times is gone. When that last blink of light, that hand of hope in the angry ocean of desperation is nowhere to be found and he slowly sinks into that dark, cold abyss of his mind. And the thoughts that were always there, waiting for him like the carnifex for a criminal, whispering that he should be dead, because he was worthless, dangerous, unworthy, unlovable and alone, attacked him with all their might. The only person who could make them gone is dead. The only person he wholeheartedly loved, admired and respected at the same time. And the worst part was not even that obscure void of his thoughts, but the fact that he would never ever see her again. Her lively and attentive eyes, that always picked up the smallest details, like when she always noticed people that needed help but were unable to get one. Or how her smile and laughter always lighten up the room, or even the darkest cave in the Deep Roads. Her battle dance with the sword that left no chance to the opponents. The precision accuracy and sheer power combined in the way she killed enemies made it look an art. Or maybe she was an art herself. Art of giving, helping and understanding. That one amazing woman with the biggest smile, brightest mind and warmest hug he had ever knew. _Gone._ She, the one that should live, love, inspire and be happy is dead, while he, who should've been executed back in Kirkwall is still alive. That's not fair. He would give anything so that she could live again. He would die for her as many times as needed. Yet he's alive somehow, when all he wanted was to be dead. To simply stop existing. To vanish without a trace to a place where they can be together. Or just where it wouldn't hurt so much to breath the air that has no scent of her in it.

Surana knew the feeling all too well. The picture of her, crying the same way over Alistair's dead body caused a piercing pain in the heart. But at least, she saw how he died, she was able to say her last goodbye to Alistair and gave him the longest bitterest hug she ever had. Anders got only Varric's letter and a distant sympathy of Leliana's agent. _And void._ And Hawke's dog.

The stars were scattered over Anderfels like a sand on the shore. Myriads of little bright lights covered the empty lands like a sparkling blanket.

“I would tell you that it's gonna be easier as the time goes by, but it's not. Not really.” Neria was lying beside Anders with hands behind her head. Anders exhaled loudly. His nerve storm ended about an hour ago and now they were just lying on a big rock not far from their meeting place. “You just focus on the tasks at hand, and it makes you go through the days. But when you have flash backs, it still hurts like hell. Like it was yesterday. No matter how bad the memory is, it will still be bittersweet. Likewise, every good memory will be painful, cause you'll never see the person again or hear him. And to be honest, one of my biggest fears is that someday I'll forget the way Alistair looked like or how his voice sounded like.”

“Not the biggest?”

“No. Not the biggest. Biggest would be not finding the cure for the Calling before I would go mad. I know that Alistair would've want me to be the best Warden-Commander I could, so I'm trying. I would've wanted him to do the same. And even though I didn't know Hawke all too well, I'm pretty sure she would've wanted you to continue the fight, or at least be happy.”

“I don't know how to be happy without her.”

“I know what you mean. But... if you were to switch places, would you really want her to be miserable because you're gone?”

“No. But she’s stronger than me, and brighter. She deserves all the love, recognition and happiness.” He paused for a second and then corrected himself. “Deserved.”

“How are you any different?”

“I’m an abomination that killed hundreds on innocent people and doomed thousands on a life they might not wanted to live. For starters.”

“And you’re also a hero that saved hundreds of lives in the Amaranthine and Kirkwall and changed life of thousands for the better when they were not able to do so themselves.”

“But…”

“Drop it, Anders. Hawke’s death is not your fault. The change in the Circles system was long due, and the Chantry, well… they had it coming, as they failed their mission to oversee the Templar’s activity.”

“Few people see it that way…”

“People are generally weird in their vision. At Ostagar we lost much, much more people. And some people still think that Loghain was a great commander. So, trust me, you’re fine. Moreover, you should be fine. Must be. Hawke now lives through you, your thoughts and actions.”

“The only person that lives through me is Justice.”

“Well, count him in too.”

“I can’t, Neria. It’s just… senseless. Everything is senseless now.”

“I know. And all you want is death.” Anders glanced at her. He remembered that Surana still grieved on Alistair when they met, but she seemed fairly composed nonetheless.

“You seemed better when we met back in Amaranthine than I am now.”

“I had you. I had Oghren, Nate, Sigrun, Velanna and Justice. We were quite a bunch of misfits doing the things nobody else would. We still are. You are still a Grey Warden, Anders. So, unless you have better things to do, I would be glad to have you back.”

The Dog yawned, and the fallen star lined the sky. Anders took a deep breath, thinking on what was said.

“How do you keep yourself on this path? Decades of Deep Roads, darkspawn and killing…”

“Maps, ale and love mostly.”

_“Love?”_

“Yes. I love you, I love my friends, and I was the one that signed their death sentence by making them Grey Wardens. I want to fix that. I want to see you free of taint and Justice, being as happy as you can be. I wanna see Oghren’s kid marriage with him being a proud dad. I wanna see Sigrun setting a pet store in Orzammar like she wanted to. I wanna see how Beth and Nate kids will look like. I…”

“Wait, what? Bethany is dating Nathaniel?” Anders half-rised on one elbow surprised.

“Oh, yeah,” Neria chuckled. “They are quite fun to watch, very cute.”

“I’d love to see that.” He smiled. For the first time in long time.

“You should. Beth considers you her brother-in-law.”

“Really? How? Why?”

“Well, I believe it has something to do with the fact that you love her sister. Besides, even Nate came to terms that he'll have a crazy uncle mage in the family.”

“I doubt he’d be glad to see me.” Anders smirked. “It's... nice to hear all this, but I will only cause trouble.”

“I would expect nothing less from you.”

“I'm the most wanted man in Thedas now.”

“I bet Corypheus would argue with that.”

“People will hate you for harbouring a criminal.”

“Oh, please. People hate me for all the different reasons for the last decade. You could be a nice one, for a change. You can't possibly harm me, or the Order, more than it was already done. And don't worry, I'll kill anybody who'll try to arrest you.”

Surana’s last sentence resonated deeply with his heart. Hawke said the same to him back at the Gallows. _And where did that take her?_

“If anything happens to you it will kill me.”

“It would take _a lot_ for anything to happen to me.” She paused. “And a lava eruption.”

“You spent too much time with Nathaniel.”

“ _See?_ That's why I need you back. You understand me. And I understand you, your fears, and your guilt, and the death that you crave for. Let me help, Anders. And please, help me. By just being there and understanding. And some fireballs.”

“Velanna's fireballs are bigger than mine, you know, she's more helpful.”

“Well, I prefer yours.” She winked at him, Anders chuckled, and the Dog started wagging the tail.

“Where are you heading anyway?

“Take a guess.”

“Deep Roads?”

“Bingo!” She stood on the rock, lending a hand to him. “ _But!_ We might head back to Amaranthine especially for you.”

“Why?” He took her hand and stood up in front of her.

“Mistress Woolsey found Ser Pounce-a-lot.”

**"Just take my hand, and guide me through the dark.**

**Learn to trust what trust was never real.**

**Far beyond the things I used to feel.**

**Blackness turns into light, never fading into night.**

**Just take my hand.**

**I'll never walk alone."**


End file.
